What Were They Thinking: #2

April 19th, 2009
New York, NY


So I’ve been posting to the blog a fair amount more than initially planned, partially because the world of sports gives me so much to work with. Between playoffs, NFL free agency, greedy owners, complete ineptitude and overall boneheadedness, I actually have way more stories than I know what to do with.

But with so many things to write about, I forgot “What were they thinking?” last week. So better late than never, here’s this weeks post:


Jay "Chicken" Cutler
In only our second week, we have our first repeat honoree. But first, the good.

You were surprisingly classy and poised after the trade. In fact, you said all the right things by playing the “hometown boy” card, acting surprisingly contrite and thanking the Broncos, and paying the proper amount of respect to the Bears organization. In fact, you acted quite humble. Smart move considering you’re the new franchise QB in the third largest media market in the US.


But, Jay buddy, look at this as a fresh start and think before you act out there in Chicago. You know what’s not smart? Not examining WHY the Broncos happily let you go. If you’d read the Denver papers/blogs on the way out of town, you’d have known about the rumors of a teensy little drinking problem and a lack of “football sense,” which is sports code for a thick skull. If you had done that, you might have reconsidered spending a good portion of your first week in Chi-town getting hammered and being photographed like the shot above.

Also, you might have reconsidered canoodling up with the fame-seeking Julia Allison, who calling a celebrity might be as much of a stretch as calling you mature.

Stay home, learn the playbook and grow up. Your new coach and organization isn’t noted for babying star QBs. And there's a writer in Chicago, who's last name sounds like Maserati, that loves to remind people about these indiscretions on "Around the Horn" after a three-interception game.


Louis Admunson
Louis, I like you.

First you’re ballsy enough to scorn the whole "culture of bling" in pro sports and ride a bike to work. That’s very down-to-Earth and frankly, really cool.

And after having noted prankster, Shaq, hide your bike every day this season, you decided to get back at him. As much as I like you, and it was smart to wait until late in the season so you’re not looked at as a rookie so that the repercussions aren’t magnified, it's never, ever, ever a good idea to mess with Diesel. For a few reasons:

• First, he’s way better at pranks than you are. Never, ever get into a prank war with someone that does this as a hobby. It will never end well for you. As an athlete, you should know that by now.
• Second, don’t mess with a man’s car. A shoe filled with shaving cream is funny, and quickly forgotten. A guys car, especially a guy who loves cars like Shaq, is more than a little sacrosanct. A good rule on what to target in a prank is, "if he wouldn’t let you borrow it, don’t mess with it."
• Third, don’t do it at the VERY end of the season. Get him with a week or so left, because now he has nothing but time to think of something to do to get you back…and good.

Take the above three points, recall Shaq isn’t noted for his off-season work ethic and has more money than Wells Fargo. Now, what are the chances you don't get hit so bad with a prank that it costs you literally tens of thousands of dollars.

It’s not wise to fool with Shaq. Like he says, “You mess with the Shaqtus, you get pricked.”


Lori Epperson/Heather Anderson
I have to go back to high school to get our first group winners. A couple things allow me to group these two together.

First, they are both high school coaches. Second, they both had to resign last week. And third, they did things that no one in their right mind would think was smart and would be conducive to keeping a job in education.

Lori Epperson resigned from her teaching position at Edgewood High School outside Dayton, Ohio, after taking four female students — three 18-year-olds and a 17-year-old — to Club Masque, a strip club that features exotic male dancers. Yes, that’s dumb. But what’s even dumber is that the club is 18+, so it was a felony to take the 17-year old. But take the cake is that one of the children was her daughter, which not only makes her guilty of bad judgement, but also bad parenting (for some people at least).

And it gets better, her defense is that the children’s parents had to sign a permission slip before the kids should go. Now, I’m wondering which is more naïve: announcing this little trip to parents, or thinking the kids would legitimately have parents sign the form.

Compared to Lori, Heather Branum of Anderson County high school is a genius. While on a road trip with the softball team she coached, the 29-year old allowed a hazing incident where the freshman players had to swim nude/semi-nude of 15 minutes in the pool at the private house the team had rented. As an authority figure, nothing should make her more worried than the word “hazing” unless it’s the word “sexual predator” (since Miss Heather felt she needed to supervise the proceedings). No matter how you spin it, half naked high school girls in a swimming pool isn’t something you should be involved with, unless you’re a half naked high-school boy.

The good news is that somehow, Heather got to keep her teaching job. Hopefully it’s math. She can teach her class the following equation:

Adult + Hazing + Under Age Kids + Partial Nudity = No Job or Jail Time


Carlie Christine
And like Isiah Thomas, we’re still back to school.

Casa Roble High cheerleading coach, Carlie Christine, thought that no one in the school she coached at would ever see her “Cyber Girls” layout on Playboy.com. I can understand why, I mean, what are the possibilities that some teenage boy would google “cyber girls?”

And if someone did stumble across the photos online, it’s not like anyone would say anything. I mean, there’s no group that’s nicer than a gaggle of teenage girls on a cheerleading squad. They're totally level-headed and would never hold a grude. What are the chances that someone on the squad would be angry for being disciplined and do something rash?

The odds of someone telling parents or the school about the photos couldn’t be more than 99% or 99.5%.

But Carlie wasn't the only one who learned something, the parents learned a few things too, "I was in shock that the girls had seen it and knew about it," a parent told CBS13. "The whole football team has seen it," says one parent.

Wow. High school kids hide things from their parents and look at nudie pictures, including mature leaders like the football team. I had no idea.

See you next week when I review the Denver Broncos free agent signings. Let’s hope the GM doesn’t make “what were they thinking.”