What Were They Thinking?

April 6th, 2009 New York, NY

Working with professional writers, I’m acutely aware that it takes time to craft something witty and entertaining. So I started this blog with the modest goal of two to four posts per week.

So it’s a pleasant surprise that the gods of sports give us Plaxico Burress today. He’s inspired what I hope is a regular post where we can quickly enjoy a few moments pondering what exactly our heroes were thinking.

Welcome to the first edition of What Were They Thinking:

Magic Johnson
You are basketball royalty. You’re one of the 50 Best NBA Players of all time. You were one of the players to make the NBA what it is today, and are so famous that you can go by one name… Michael, Larry, Wilt, You.

Most people on this level of greatness dress up. They know all eyes are on them. They’re going to be on TV, people are going to come up and ask for an autograph and want to shake their hand and take a picture for posterity.

Dress accordingly, not like the weekend manager of FootAction.



Plaxico Burress
You’re a star wide receiver in the largest media market in the United States. You finished the season on the IR when you shot yourself in the leg at a club. How did this happen? Well, your sweatpants weren’t capable of holding your Glock in place. So it was an honest mistake.

But rather than settle for one felony that night, you went for the trifecta and fled the scene of the crime and tried to enter the hospital under an assumed name. In spite of all this, your team still wants you, and publicly says so. You’ve dodged a bullet, no pun intended. (OK, that actually was on purpose, so shoot me – no, I’m not being serious about that either, Plax).

Picking up where we left off:

For the most part it all seems to be blowing over. So relax, take it easy, lay low. Just head down to the beach . . . and proceed to get five moving violations in two weeks, and on the fifth, verbally abuse the officer for pulling you over.

Now, I’ve never shot myself in the leg so I have no idea what you were thinking then. But I have been pulled over, and if you're like me you're thinking about getting out of the ticket.

My strategy involves a clear head, and a dash of respect:

COP: License and registration, please.
MR. BLACK: Yes, sir. Is there a problem?
COP: Well, yes. You were going 95 in a 65-mile an hour zone.
MR. BLACK: Really, Officer? You know, my speed must have gotten away from me, I had the music up a little loud, and I don’t get the Ferrari out much. Sorry about that.
COP: Well, we have laws here in Florida, but I’ll lower this down to 89 so you don’t have to come to court, and can just pay the fine.
MR. BLACK: I appreciate that, sir. I’ll be sure to watch my speed. Thanks!

In rare instances, you might actually get away with no ticket. Here’s the Plax version:

COP: License and registration, please.
PLAX: Fuck you!
COP: You were going 95 in a 65-mile an hour zone. License and registration!
PLAX: Fuck you! You’re going to be in a lot of trouble, I know the Sheriff personally.
COP: (Drawing gun…out of a holster, not out of sweatpants, which is probably why he doesn’t shoot himself). Hands up! Out of the vehicle!
PLAX: Fuck you!

Well, you can see where this is going. If not, I’ll summarize: Jail, call to your team, smaller contract offer, release.

And who was the Sheriff you know. Reggie Hammond? The Sheriff of Nottingham?



Jay Cutler
I’m not even going to get into the idiocy of a 17-20 career QB being upset that a team entertained trade offers. Or the whole soap opera of playing it out in the press. I’m not even going to get into your not answering your phone while your coach and owner reaching out and publicly saying they want to work things out.

I am going to call bullshit on your claim you didn’t want to be traded. What are you thinking when you say that on the NFL Network. Really? You didn’t? So why didn’t you make it to off season workouts? Your appointment at SuperCuts couldn’t be moved?

NOTE: Shout out to Billy Byrne of Denver, Colorado for starting the Facebook Group “Jay Cutler is a little bitch.” 13,701 members strong and growing.



Sean Avery
Gary Bettman has an isolation camera watching every move you make in a game. One of the best clubs, an Original Six franchise in a city that absolutely loves you gives you a second chance. You’ve been embraced, forgiven and celebrated.

And you do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC51RZNmQBw

You’ve embarrassed yourself and the Rangers. Again.



Omar Minaya
Your Mets have folded down the stretch for the last two years, partially because they are a bit young and immature. But they are on the edge of being great and just need something to get them over the hump.

What to add?

A veteran utility player that will help mentor the kids? A middle reliever that might win a couple one-run games for you by giving Jimmy Rollins fits?

How about an aging power hitter that not only left his last two teams, but is actually being paid by one of them to just go away. A guy that insulted the Yankees and Joe Torre on his way out the door.

Why not? He’s only $400,000 this year, a small price to pay for a clubhouse cancer.